Music Monday

Getting some thoughts off my chest about a couple of badass power-women's songs. What are you doing?

Rita Ora (feat. Chris Brown) 'Body on me'

Has everyone forgotten what Chris Brown did? I can't help but wince at lyrics like "Put you up against the wall". Rita, darling, you can do better.

Demi Lovato 'Cool for the Summer'

Can we please talk about the lesbian undertones in this song. Trialling sexuality because the weather's better? Why not. You go for it girl. Men sweat a lot in the summer anyway.

Ellie Goulding 'On My Mind'

EG ticks a lot of my girl crush boxes so to say I was buzzed about her new music is an understatement of ridonkulous proportions.

Let me break it down for you. When it first launched on BBC Radio 1 last week, I kept rewinding Grimmy to repeat the track. I listened to the pre-track interview enough times to mouth their inflections. Not once did I read anything into the Ed Sheeran comparison. Okay, there are some similarities about a hotel, but to condense two artist's songs down to a spat or "shade" (ugh) is detrimental to their art.

And anyway, if it is true all publicity is great publicity. Rumour fuels attention, airplay, views, ticket sales, and sales. For business reasons, they're completely inclined to keep quiet, and even play along.

Goulding's video masterpiece launched today. After her humble recording-in-a-backyard roots, she's come a long way. Horses, Las Vegas and an old Western serif typeface? Budget am I right.
 

FYI, screw copying her beauty look, this is how I'll be rocking up to work from now on:

Mobile daters

Banksy shows that going on a Tinder date isn't ever as fun as just swiping.

Digital dating: more trips and traps to fall into than ever before. And meaning that there's more to analyse. Which is difficult for a literature graduate. I analysed a glove for 10,000 words.

So when Carrie gets a message from Big on her answering machine, Miranda comes over and they analyse it together. Oh what a simple time it was. Nowadays you can forget the confusing voicemails, and trade them for contextless emojis, passive-aggressive or cryptic tweets, "last seen at" bizarre hours, and Snapchat politics - to name a few.

When it comes to dating and technology, there are all these new things we can do and worry about. It also means it can speed up the process to finding out whether they're worth precious data, or are just a wi-fi hookup.

The pre-date stalk

It does give us the option to find out a bit more about each other before the date though. Nothing comforts me more than taking the shock factor out of a blind date. However, this can backfire. My last date told me that he knew which university halls I lived I because he'd seen my old cover photos. Online stalking is accepted. Talking about online stalking is not.

Ignored: on several different platforms

Then there's the problem of actually talking online. Great for an initial ego-boost. Bad when you know they've been online and ignored you. Whether it's iMessage, WhatsApp, Facebook or something more 'specalised', the go-to way to break something off is a kind of brutality you shouldn't waste any time analysing.

Tinder terror

The ultimate taster buffet of local men. Swipe at your peril. And don't forget the danger of running into your ex on there. Big moral dilemma: swipe right and stroll back into the lions den, swipe left and pretend it never happened or (secret option number three) cry a river to throw your phone into. Thumbs up emoji.

Then come the actual horror stories. Get this, when you're ready to get engaged, and receive a phone call to tell you that your boyfriend has been "spotted" on Tinder. Active one girlfriend ago.

What's next? LinkedIn for dating? Connect with a guy your friend has friendzoned, endorse previous dates for the ability to text back within an hour, or even write a recommendation for your ex "great in bed, but far too liberal with that skill".

Maybe it would be easier to just replay a voicemail until the machine's lost its voice. But the truth is, I like being the ignorer, I'm all about swiping, and emojis are my favourite mode of communication. And it's not that social media makes your date more of a douchbag, it just means you can find out a lot sooner.

Image credit: http://bit.ly/1CFALF2

Orange is the same old same old

A potential look into the future for the out-of-work Litchfield actresses...

Spoiler alert. I will be discussing all kinds of things that happen in season three of Orange Is The New Black. If you've not finished it yet stop here or forever hold your peace/don't bitch that I ruined it for you.

'It's good to have on in the background.' Said nobody about Orange Is The New Black ever... Until season three.

I devoured the season in all of three sittings - one of which was an eight hour session. Like most I tore through it with the anticipation of drama, some saucy scenes, and some laughs of course. But not all of these expectations were met...

Backstory bitches

I feel like the only real bit of feedback from seasons one and two that the writers of OITNB heard was "How great are the backstories?!" They obviously took this, and bolted.

Don't get me wrong, some of these backstories are incredible. And make for amazing character insights. Chang, for example, was one of my favourites.

But there are so many that are left unfulfilled and cryptic. Leanne's for example is fantastic, but it doesn't give us any explicit closure as to how she actually ended up inside Litchfield. Why? Come on guys.

Too many characters spoil the show

As humans, we like being told where to focus, and told to root for someone. The problem with this series, is we're not given a 'Team Piper' or 'Team Alex', or even asked to choose between the different cliques like we were before.

Instead we're presented with so many main characters, so many mini-plots, so many little rivalries - we don't have the chance to build up a case for who we like more. So we just don't.

The expansion of backstories, and increased focus on characters which were previously categorised as secondary, means that the main plot-line has definitely taken a hit.

The plot passover

There are some real big things that happen, the big plot moments which could have really driven this series, that are completely glossed over. Dayanara's baby's birth is over within half an episode, Nikki is driven off to the Maximum security unit very unceremoniously, Piper and Alex's break up is quaintly handled, and Bennet's exit was so brief I was left thinking I'd missed an episode out entirely.

These big things happen in the main storyline that could've been made so much more out of. I want to see Daya grieiving for her child, I wanted to see Red and Morello form an alliance over Nikki's removal, I want to know what on earth got into Bennet, and I wanted to see Alex tear Piper to shreds.

But no. Apparently they all just get on with life in prison now. Good for them. But boring for TV.

Also, side note - I guarantee that next season will include a lesbian prison wedding after yesterday. Go America.

Ultimately, this show is still doing what it set out to do. It's still breaking all kinds of assumptions with a female community which is ironically defying all of the fair sex boundaries. But it's disappointing to see that the writers think that the show can continue on this alone. Without a decent plot-line, OITNB is going to lose it's credibility and permanently fall into the "it's alright to have in the background" realm of TV. A real shame for a show which is doing so much for women in terms of challenging stereotypes.

Oh and, Ruby Rose just reminds me of a young Angelina Jolie. I like her accent and I hope she's back for the next season, because she's a good actress. That's all I have to say on that.

Love's not a competition(?)

So you're doing better in your love life than your ex. Want a medal?

Why is it that when relationships break down, everything between you both is suddenly a race? It's all who can get over who first, who can get a date first, who can get laid first, ultimately, who can reach their happily ever after first.

It's like a game of anything you can do I can do better. Or anyone. Or any where.

The annoying thing is that none of the, now competitive, points were ever anything to worry about when you were together. Going on a holiday without the other? Not a problem. More friends than the other? Who cares. Better job? So what.

When you're a couple none of this stuff matters because you're competing together. You're in the 'couples only' three-legged race - singles on the bench. These hurdles include: moving in together, marriage, babies. It's a long race. And not many finish it.

At least in the singles race the only way you can go is forward. The challenges are still brutal though: who looks better post-breakup? who had the best holiday? Instagrams with the most likes win.

And the worst thing that can happen in the singles olympics is watching an ex-partner defect to the three-legged competition.

All this is happily fostered in the breeding ground of hate that is social media bragging. If it wasn't for Facebook/Snapchat/Instagram, would we even know anything about the other's life? Would we care half as much? Can you honestly say you've not scrolled through a home-feed with just a little bit of terror that you might come across a humble-brag announcing something you were not emotionally prepared to see?

As a perpetual loser in this competition I have to ask, does it really feel that good to be 'winning'? Even if you are ahead in the race, or - worse - if you've upgraded to the three-legger, does it mean you're at peace with everything? Bear in mind - you are still running.

Personally, I'm all for dropping out of the race entirely. I'm not a very good runner anyway, and if I need to keep fit, I've got emotional baggage to lift.

Anyway, here are some of Hayley Williams' dulcet tones. Kaiser Chiefs, you know the struggle.

No man's land, or, 2015.

Six months into 2015 and, so far, four breakups. Rest in peace relationships.

In school there was a new breakup every other day, but now our dating lives have reached the chronological point that they're loaded with life changing promises. Moving across the country? Marriage and babies? Putting petrol in the car? So when people break up, it's not just a boyfriend that's gone - it's your whole future.

This isn't just a quick cry in the girls loos, this a trip to the medical tent in an all out war-zone. 2015 is a minefield and we're walking through it terrified about who's going to get blown to pieces next. First a friend, then yourself, then a family member. Boom, boom, boom.

Now I know why it's called no man's land.

The worst thing is. I'm actually trying to guess which one it'll be next. I don't want to put money on it but I do have a few ideas...

Then again, is it this year? Or is it me?

Do I put out a worldwide alert? "Red warning: don't come into contact with me if you like your relationship". I feel like I need to warn all of my happily coupled friends, like this is contagious - look out kids, it could be you next!

Or is it the curse of the 'twentysomething'? Is the early twenties the time that we all cut our losses and run? Big decision time: are you in or out? It's like Dragon's Den, the money's dried up, we're turning down your investment - everyone's out.

The silver linings to this shitstorm year of a cloud: more single girls to cry with, to drink wine with, to pick you up from strangers homes at stranger hours of night, and to comfort eat McDonalds with.

So maybe 2015 isn't the year of the breakup, but the year war veterans unite, chuck down a few beers and appreciate that we survived.