A day in the life

Since I started that full-time work thang, my weekdays are comfortingly and irritably predictable.

6:45am: What is that?!

6:45:07am: Alarm. Right. Off.

6:50am: What is that!?!

6:50:04am: Alarm, right. Off.

6:55am: God, what was Miley wearing last night? Could I pull off nipple tassels? Probably, but you really need suitable cigarette trousers too.

7:03am: Still no abs.

7:10am: Mentally trying to piece together an outfit in the shower. Trying to remember what I wore yesterday. Trying to remember if it's going to be dry enough for those cute open-toed tan sandals or not.

8:10am: Not. Wet toes on the clutch.

8:22am: "I'LL PRETEND MY SHIP'S NOT, SINKINNNN'"

8:57am: Tea or coffee. Tea or coffee? Green tea... and black coffee.

10:46am:

1:45pm: Lunchtime.

The time of day I give myself to do productive tasks for myself. Like:

• book a wax
• make a few personal phonecalls, "Mum, what's for dinner?"
• browse the same section of makeup counter but never actually purchase anything
• buy snacks I'll regret as soon as I've eaten them
• wander round River Island gazing at the beautiful materials I can't afford
• nip down to Primark and buy a slightly worse-quality, worse-aesthetically version to make myself feel better
• return to work feeling worse about my calorie count, worse about my bank account, better about my daily step count.

3:06pm: 

5:50pm: Why does the gym always smell weird when you go in, but not when you come out? 

The gym must be the only place I really zone out. Headphones on, sporty men on the televisions, less sporty men in the gym. Are they rugby players today? Or perhaps it's cricket? I don't know. All I know is that I'm convinced I've contracted asthma since starting this run. Will I ever get to 5k? Actually, it'll be a miracle if I get to 3. Perhaps you're just thirsty, have a drink.

Stitch. Stitch. Ow, oh bugger, forget it, go do weights. How far did you get anyway? 2.4k?! Just call it a warm up.

Bloody hell these things are heavy. Progressive overload my arse. I'm about to progressive overload my willpower.

Why am I sweating so much? Do other girls sweat like this? If I bring a towel I'll be that weird girl who sweats so much she has to bring a towel. If I don't bring a towel I'm that really sweaty girl. Gross if I do, gross if I don't.

7pm: Thank god, it's over.

7:36pm: I feel great, I feel so great, exercise is great, I bet I could do a triathlon you know. I am a new woman. I might even have abs tomorrow.

8:01pm: I'll just have enough pasta for a small village tonight I think. A hamlet really.

8:24pm: Spontaneous trip to the supermarket for coconut oil, prosecco and the latest analysis of "what does this text mean though?"

10:18pm: Biscuits, group chats, Friends, typing about boys and #freethenipple. 

11:23pm: Tried to go to bed early. Tried to read. But Netflix.

Bootea: the party's over

After getting sucked in by clever Instagram marketing, before and after photos, and a colour scheme reminiscent of the bedroom I grew up in, I decided to try the Bootea 14 day Teadox.

January is the time for detoxing, apparently. And now, we're lucky enough to have enough products aimed at us suckers to kick our ass, or metabolism, into gear.

But I had a lot of questions that I wish someone had answered for me before I started throwing the tea party.

How does it taste?

The day one is isn't great, the night one is worse. Don't brew it for too long, and keep your cups small. If you still have to pinch your nose and down it, it's probably not your, er, cup of tea.
✌ ✌ 

Did it help you lose weight?

Sometimes people claim that they experience a laxative effect - which is probably the cause of any weight loss. Did it cause a laxative effect for me? Only once. And it caused me to waddle out of the office at such a high speed it was like Pingu trying to win a 100m sprint.

So no, it didn't help me lose any weight. It gives you a caffeinated kick start in the morning which could be an incentive to hit the gym, while the night tea is like a guilt-free sleeping pill. It gives you such fantastic sleep you might actually have the energy to go to the gym.

✌ 

Would you recommend it?

I'm not very good at committing to anything two teas a day, so I wasn't the strictest specimen. So my results might be off and you might have to take them with a pinch of sugar.

Ultimately, I like to think the point of Bootea - apart from to pray on body insecurities - is to teach you about what tea can do for you. Since Bootea, I'm a convert to green teas: Clipper, Twinings, pure, or with lemon, mango and lychee, or salted caramel flavour. However, it still tastes like green tea, and if you brew it too long, you'll never drink it.

If you're willing to look beyond the brand, the innovative packaging, and not fall for the "magic of weight loss" messaging, then you might as well just invest in some green tea. They're probably better for you, they come in far nicer flavours and they're definitely kinder on your bank accounts.
✌ ✌ 

Detox conducted in January 2015, Bootea purchased from Holland & Barrett.