Graduates: the real world is coming

Lena Dunham writes in her debut novel "Upon graduation I had felt a heavy sense of doom, a sense that nothing would ever be simple again." Graduated one whole year, my first bit of advice to newborn graduates would be: don't set your expectations too high.

Congratulations! You're graduated! You're free! No more late nights finishing essays in a library. No more minus sign next to your bank account. No more annoying housemates. Right?

Even on a decent 'graduate' wage, you'll still need your overdraft

If you try living a Taylor Swift lifestyle on a minimum wage budget, it'll bite you in the ass. Just because you're earning, doesn't mean you can buy everything.

This sucks, and is a lesson to be learnt the hard way. Luckily most banks are forgiving creatures and let you keep the interest free overdraft for a little bit longer.

No more late nights. Full stop.

The "real world" is made up of two kinds of people: morning people, and people who suffer. If you're part of the latter category, to save yourself from a life behind bars for killing the person who wouldn't stop talking before 9am, try adjusting to early(ier) nights.

It sucks, but between those and caffeine, you might not kill anyone.

You can pick your friends, you can't pick your housemates

The chances are you're going to end up in one of two scenarios: living with (new) housemates, or with your parents.

New housemates come with a whole new bunch of issues to deal with. Perhaps they're different ages, earn different salaries, work out at 6am or party hard until 4am? Or, they could be your next best friend (or even boyfriend?!) disguised as the bill keeper.

But living with your parents presents a political minefield. You left the house as a post-pubescent 18 year old. You're coming back as a slightly broken adult. Try integrating now. Both options, potentially, suck.

Graduated one year and what have we learned? Nothing really changes. Three years of bad habits can take more than one year to break. And it kind of sucks, but this is the real world we were all warned about. So, newborn graduates, suck it up, and learn to love it.

"I just believe in parties.” ― Samantha Jones

Watching a couple dance my friend looked on with total belief in true love, and jealousy in his eyes, I comfortingly expressed my heretic belief: "They'll probably break up."

It's safe to say my belief in things has hit a new low. I believed I could get a first in my English Literature degree, I believed I would be the last sibling to get married and have kids, and I believed that my TV would hold out just a few more years.

Apparently, belief doesn't mean it'll happen.

But I haven't stopped believing in some stuff. In this case, HBO. I'm currently rewatching the entire Sex and the City TV series.

Why? Because I need to press a reset button on my dating life. I pulled out of dating after I realised that I didn't believe in it any more. After a bad break up and some trial dates, I decided I was out.

I didn't like it the first time round, but now I've got "relationship experience" under my belt it's supposed to be easier? Sure, it should be. But you know, once bitten, twice as reluctant to throw yourself to the lions.

So I thought, I could take Carrie's latter option, or find a way to restore my beliefs. Perhaps I would be born again if I worked my way through every possible scenario. I thought, if Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda can all go through it first - and survive - then I should be fine. Right?

Now, after significant research, we can deduce dating status into SATC phases. And, according to Charlotte, I'm in the beginning of Season 2 phase.

"It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them" - Season 2, Episode 1.

This is nice to know, but if can blitz a series in a week, can these next three months also hurry up? After the post-Big phase, is the slutty Carrie phase (we can skip that) because then comes the Season 3 phase: the Aidan phase. Hail Mary.

So I might not believe that I'll pay off my student loan some day, or that love lasts forever, or that TVs are for life, but I do believe in Carrie Bradshaw. And that there'll be a hot furniture designer waiting for me next season...

Days Are Gone, but girl power is here to stay

Yes, I'm talking about an album that's two years old. There's a reason for it. Let me get to that.

"The Haim sisters are those fabulous wispy girls who hang round with Taylor Swift on a speedboat right? They look gorgeous, but their music isn't for me."

Nobody had ever asked me why it wasn't for me. I didn't know. Aside from the radio I hadn't given it a real chance.

Then I saw their music videos. They have choreographed dancing - circa the Spice Girls. Now I'm converted.



Haim are like Lena Dunham's Girls for the ears. Their music is blunt, emotional and there's a shit load of swearing.

The truth is I was thrown by their image. They remind me of this girl I went to school with who is so gorgeous she could be the princess of a fictional Middle Eastern country. So I thought they were a bit out of my reach.

What would three long haired brunettes have in common with a bobbed blonde anyway? Apparently a lot.

Take My Song 5 for example. These girls are pissed - they experience everything us normal people do. I thought their songs were about beautiful goddess-esque things I couldn't understand, but no. Listen to their lyrics, 'Days Are Gone' is about being in love, breaking up, and all at the wrong moments. It's about wanting to go back or to run away or to do things you shouldn't when faced with desires vs reality. See Go Slow, Running When You Call My Name, The Wire, etc - actually, see tracks 1-11.

Let's also appreciate that, like girl bands before them, they're moving us forward. Predecessors like The Bangles, Destiny's Child and the Spice Girls have paved the way for this girl band. Haim are following in their footsteps with impeccable style, cultural awareness and an undeniable femininity.

I feel like they are the evolution of the girl band in my lifetime. We've come a long way from the tight sequin Union Jack dresses. It's like we're in the hipster years, where alternative style meets pop culture to create a refreshing sound, with enough teenage-moodiness, dance beats and relatable lyrics to appeal to a twenty-something looking for a female community to get her through the trials and tribulations of becoming a grown up.

And Haim have the longest combined hair of any band right now - and play all their own instruments. Bad. Ass.

Bootea: the party's over

After getting sucked in by clever Instagram marketing, before and after photos, and a colour scheme reminiscent of the bedroom I grew up in, I decided to try the Bootea 14 day Teadox.

January is the time for detoxing, apparently. And now, we're lucky enough to have enough products aimed at us suckers to kick our ass, or metabolism, into gear.

But I had a lot of questions that I wish someone had answered for me before I started throwing the tea party.

How does it taste?

The day one is isn't great, the night one is worse. Don't brew it for too long, and keep your cups small. If you still have to pinch your nose and down it, it's probably not your, er, cup of tea.
✌ ✌ 

Did it help you lose weight?

Sometimes people claim that they experience a laxative effect - which is probably the cause of any weight loss. Did it cause a laxative effect for me? Only once. And it caused me to waddle out of the office at such a high speed it was like Pingu trying to win a 100m sprint.

So no, it didn't help me lose any weight. It gives you a caffeinated kick start in the morning which could be an incentive to hit the gym, while the night tea is like a guilt-free sleeping pill. It gives you such fantastic sleep you might actually have the energy to go to the gym.

✌ 

Would you recommend it?

I'm not very good at committing to anything two teas a day, so I wasn't the strictest specimen. So my results might be off and you might have to take them with a pinch of sugar.

Ultimately, I like to think the point of Bootea - apart from to pray on body insecurities - is to teach you about what tea can do for you. Since Bootea, I'm a convert to green teas: Clipper, Twinings, pure, or with lemon, mango and lychee, or salted caramel flavour. However, it still tastes like green tea, and if you brew it too long, you'll never drink it.

If you're willing to look beyond the brand, the innovative packaging, and not fall for the "magic of weight loss" messaging, then you might as well just invest in some green tea. They're probably better for you, they come in far nicer flavours and they're definitely kinder on your bank accounts.
✌ ✌ 

Detox conducted in January 2015, Bootea purchased from Holland & Barrett.

Psycho and the City

As part of my horror-binge, amongst documentaries on Jeffrey Dahmer, Aileen Wuornos and countless gore films, I (tried to) read American Psycho. I was not prepared.

Ask yourself what you know about the 1991, 400 page, Bret Easton-Ellis novel. You'd probably answer that it's set in the 80s, that Christian Bale stars in the film adaption, and you could probably guess it's set in New York.

What you won't guess is that some passages will mentally scare.

Easton-Ellis' prose is so good, so accurate, so sterile and smart, that the emotionless actions performed by Patrick Bateman - the 'American psycho' - are terrifying. I'm not sure if an e-reader would survive in the freezer circa Joey but I was close to finding out.

The truth is I've never been so nervous reading anything in public. It's not just the graphic pornographic descriptions, it's the violence. Horror and gore don't quite cut it. Bateman's actions are beyond shocking. And make the reader realise quite how desensitised they've become to the term "psycho".

Which is why it took me the best part of two months to read. The sheer intensity was something you can't be prepared for. Don't get me wrong, I like horror films, but generally they take up only two hours of your life, and you don't often watch them alone. The pages upon pages of torture are more than difficult to read, making you think: Perhaps if I stop reading these horrible things will keep happening?

Bateman's treatment of women is beyond vulgar. He's your typical self-obsessed 'yuppie', ignoring them, thinking he's better, treating them badly in the regular way. And then it gets worse. He drugs them, tortures them, and murders them. At one point he bites off a body part I wasn't aware could be bitten off.

But it's not just women. It's the homeless of New York, the non-white cab drivers, anyone who isn't a white American male. Some of the abuse he gives to the homeless characters is eye-watering. And the stereotype is only reinforced through his idolisation of Donald Trump and essays on Phil Collins.

It's not often I read a well-written book that I wouldn't recommend. But unless you're prepared for some serious non-linear porn and brutality - interspersed with essays on the hits of Genesis and Madonna - then, go for it.