I'm in love with the coco(nuts)

Did you know that on average, coconuts kill around 150 people a year. Did you also know that on average, coconut oil is not known to have caused any deaths? Except the unrecorded deaths of my split ends, combination skin and yellowing teeth? I bet you didn't, huh.

My first encounter with the acclaimed coconuts was through a quest for a miracle hair growth product. Several YouTubers absolutely swore by it. So I invested in the product that's gone from strength to strength in health food shops, crazy cat lady handbags, and now, our supermarkets. Since then, it's safe to say I use it for pretty much everything.

Hair

Apparently used by the likes of Blake Lively and other beautifully-locked celebrities, using coconut oil as a hair mask is a common practice. I'll direct you to YouTube for tutorials, unfortunately you'll have to wait another day for photos of me with a cling-filmed head.

To apply the oil as a hair mask, I very haphazardly just cover my whole head in it - root to tip - clingfilm my hair to my head, and sleep in it. Yes, this is messy, uncomfortable and sometimes cold so a top tip is to pull an old t-shirt over your head and then pull it back up, so the neck of the t-shirt sits round your hairline and forms a faux-turban. Less messy, definitely warmer, still uncomfortable.

I used to do this twice a week, but after noticing no immediate growth, switched to once a fortnight or so. In fact, I haven't actually noticed it contribute to my growth at all. Which is a downer. It's why I bought it after all. But it has made it stronger, glossier and after that first wash, so soft to the touch.

It's really not a total waste of time, because the other factors do make it worth the trouble. But I do wish it would make my hair grow.
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Skin

If it's good enough for my hair follicles, it's good enough for my pores. Right?

After my hair-xperimentation, I decided to go the whole hog and just slap the oil right onto my face. I am blessed with combination skin, meaning that I can be spotty, oily and dry all at the same time. Skin schizophrenia means you don't have much to lose.

For ten minutes a day, I coat my face in a thin layer of coconut oil. I watch some Netflix, pack my bag for work, file my nails – do whatever menial suff I've got to do – and then wash it off with warm water and a little bit of face-wash (if I have any) or Dove soap*.

Since this process began, I have had actual compliments about how good my skin looks. Acne scars are reduced, bags under my eyes are less prominent and overall blemishes are but a fragment of what they used to be. All boxes ticked.
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Teeth

Oil pulling? I must admit I hadn't heard of this one until I was a well-faired coconut oil user. The idea is you're supposed to use the oil as a mouthwash, spooning a teaspoon in your mouth and swilling for as long as you can stand. I did read that 20 minutes is optimum, but I've never been a fan of holding anything in my mouth that long.

The swilling (or 'pulling' as it's called) is supposed to leave you with whiter, bacteria-free teeth. So far, I've not seen any noticeable improvement. But it's not a bad practice, tastes OK and I'll give anything for nicer teeth.

You can also oil pull on your nails, which I've noticed has been working – wiping over a small amount and washing off after a little while, gives you a brighter shine, and fixes a multitude of nail polish related sins.

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Food

A friend of mine cooks with nothing else, and I'm convinced I have her to thank for my shrinking waistline. As Joey says "it tastes the same and my pants fit better". What more do I need to say?

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The coconut brand I like, is friendly to my bank account, and I will continue to use is Tesco's Organic Virgin Coconut Oil. Oddly branded as a food, and found just a bit too close to the chickens. 


*People tell me I'm crazy for using soap on my face. Perhaps they're right and it's why I have combination skin. But I like it. Dove has enough moisturising qualities that both dry out the oily bits and moisturise the dry bits. And I can safely say it's one of the only beauty products I've used since birth. So I trust that bad boy. Live long and stay soapy, Dove. 

The engaged-guy always sticks twice

Did I skip the Aidan phase and go straight to the Berger phase? What is this? When did I trade emotionally unavailable for legally unavailable?!

After a big love, a first love, there is a chance that you'll have the "I will never care about another human being" thought. This will go on for an undefined period of time. It will suck.

But, when you least expect it, you'll meet someone at an event you were practically dragged to, he will add you on a social media channel of his choosing, and begin to message you.

You will fall instantly in lust with someone who truly excites you, and who you only met for five minutes. How refreshing it feels to be excited about someone new. Someone who is nice. Non-threatening. No hard sell, no 'hey baby', no tinderella.

I told my friend she'd introduced me to someone and, believe it or not, he'd passed the popcorn test – sweet or salted? – and we might be married by the time she got home. She laughed and replied, "Darling, are you joking? You know he's engaged right?"

When Carrie says it's like a bomb going off, she wasn't kidding. Trying to guard from the shrapnel is pointless because, by the time you've realised it's a bomb, you know you're going to get hurt.

Engaged. Yes. I am old enough to be interested in people who have bought very expensive pieces of jewellery with the subtext that they are off the market forever. He quickly cleared up that it was a very recent break-up – so recent not even all of his friends knew yet.

Next loop in this roller-coaster: the recent divorcee. This should have been the point where I raised my similar situation. But a quick bit of internet stalking research reveals your four months does not quite match his two weeks.

I was a rebound chat?! Ugh. I mourned the crush which would never be truly realised, and I felt awful for the girl I would never know. The woman who went from fiancé to singleton. Women in heartbreak are emotionally and cosmically attached. They belong in a field, wearing hemp, holding hands, chanting methodically to Florence and the Machine.

But this is all beside the point. Because once the marriage-air had cleared, we were back to being funny, flirty, and strictly friends.

Circa Carrie, I went to sleep safe in the knowledge that my crush could marinate until my dating hiatus was up – and maybe the ring was returned.

And circa Carrie, I woke up to a shock message. Although Carrie's post-it had more words. Nothing says "I'm sorry, I can't" more clearly than all removal and blocking from social media.

My roller-coaster came to a very unexpected halt. But, like the post-it note, it was definitive. The crush crashed. And it was probably the best outcome. Who needs to get messed up in a marriage anyway?

The good news is, I seem to have my dating appetite back. The bad news is, you've got to get through a few Bergers before you get Big.

Music Monday [28/09/15]

More female vocals, debatably 'sicker' beats. If these won't get you through a tough week, I suggest narcotics.

Mabel Know Me Better

Sometimes I listen to Huw Stephens on BBC Radio One, partly because I like his accent, partly because I'm weirdly attracted to it, and mostly because I really, really like his taste in music. I absolutely have no idea where he found this track, but since last week, I must have easily boosted its overall internet plays by a good 10% on my own.



It's got those echoey piano chords that ripple through my soul. And the lyrics are beautiful, hopeful and fearlessly vulnerable. When she sings that "there is so much more to love" I desperately hope she's referring to her yet-to-be-released music.

Currently, she only has 36 more followers than me on Twitter, but 1,051 more on SoundCloud – which I will dutifully rinse when the time comes.

Diplo & Sleepy Tom Be Right There

By now you must recognise my affinity for female vocals, feel-good lyrics, and a decent clap. Priscilla Renea's vocals have an early naughties feel about them which might make you wish you were old enough to club when the likes of BootyLuv were about.

Ultimately, I love how flexible this song is, and it's not too hardcore for first thing on a Monday morning – unlike his other recent release which is far better suited to Friday night. Set Me Free was released at the same time as Be Right There, was given a far bigger video budget* and features Liz. Who I seriously hope isn't Her Majesty HRH.

*It was sponsored by Bud Light. No I am not kidding.

Music Monday

Getting some thoughts off my chest about a couple of badass power-women's songs. What are you doing?

Rita Ora (feat. Chris Brown) 'Body on me'

Has everyone forgotten what Chris Brown did? I can't help but wince at lyrics like "Put you up against the wall". Rita, darling, you can do better.

Demi Lovato 'Cool for the Summer'

Can we please talk about the lesbian undertones in this song. Trialling sexuality because the weather's better? Why not. You go for it girl. Men sweat a lot in the summer anyway.

Ellie Goulding 'On My Mind'

EG ticks a lot of my girl crush boxes so to say I was buzzed about her new music is an understatement of ridonkulous proportions.

Let me break it down for you. When it first launched on BBC Radio 1 last week, I kept rewinding Grimmy to repeat the track. I listened to the pre-track interview enough times to mouth their inflections. Not once did I read anything into the Ed Sheeran comparison. Okay, there are some similarities about a hotel, but to condense two artist's songs down to a spat or "shade" (ugh) is detrimental to their art.

And anyway, if it is true all publicity is great publicity. Rumour fuels attention, airplay, views, ticket sales, and sales. For business reasons, they're completely inclined to keep quiet, and even play along.

Goulding's video masterpiece launched today. After her humble recording-in-a-backyard roots, she's come a long way. Horses, Las Vegas and an old Western serif typeface? Budget am I right.
 

FYI, screw copying her beauty look, this is how I'll be rocking up to work from now on: